Some Things I’ve Carried for You

 It’s going to be a long letter. So read this only when you have some time to spare. But please, do read it. And one more thing—try to read it in one go. Breaks in between disturb the flow of what I want to say .

It’s been 3 years, Miss Granger. I can’t say that I missed you every single day in these 3 years—maybe not every day—but I don’t think there’s been a single day when you didn’t cross my mind. Whether it’s a festival, a moment, an exam, travelling, or even dreams…

Recently, Arya asked me, “You still haven’t forgotten her, right?” I told him the same thing— “No, I haven’t.” I don’t know why, but I just can’t forget you. No matter how hard I try. I’vetold you all this so many times, I even know how you’d react, but still… there’s always that tiny hope inside me.

You ask me why I like you so much…

The answer isn’t with me—you should ask yourself. You’ve seen how much I’ve done, how angry you’ve gotten sometimes, but you never did anything that could hurt me or anyone else. You’re such a cute, calm, kind person—someone who understands everyone’s feelings, who always thinks about others before speaking anything. You’ve always spoken so softly, and every time you made me understand gently that “nothing can happen,” “why don’t you get it…”

I don’t know what kind of image you have of me in your mind, but I’m sure it’s not a good one. And no matter how hard I try, I don’t think I can change it.

I still remember when we were in class 3—you sat in front of me for the first time. One day, there was some game, and you lost. Everyone else was happy, but you were upset and angry—you looked so cute when you were angry…

I’m not going to write about all those things because it would become too long — like sitting at the back of the class and playing Chor Sipahi, word formation games, Name–Place–Thing, the line-by-line Kho-Kho incident, SUPW, and house competitions. I think you remember those rainy and winter days when very few students used to come to school, and we would go downstairs to play with the little nursery kids. Especially that Punjabi kid — you looked really cute and happy there...

I clearly remember how excited you were during the music oral exam, wanting to see which song I’d sing… 

In class 6, I still remember how much you loved applying mehndi, and probably still do. It really suits you. You’ve always looked good—since the very start, since the day Reena ma’am introduced me to you all. But we were just kids back then. By the time we reached 5th–6th grade, I had started liking you as a friend — for your nature, your thoughts, your caring side, and the way you treated everyone. As kids, we enjoyed the simplest things: sharing seats, playing games, laughing over silly jokes, spending time together during free periods, helping each other with homework and exams, and feeling happy just seeing a familiar face in class. Everything back then was simple, innocent, and real and then that letter incident happened…

To be honest, I never had the courage to tell you directly. I was scared—how would you react, what would happen after that? What if the teachers found out? What would you think—“Who is this idiot, with such an ordinary face, and he’s trying to confess?” so I really couldn’t gather the courage. but then you left the school instead. I felt really bad, but maybe it was for the best—because the school started going downhill after that. You always wanted to go to Canossa, right? I remember how you used to talk about it with Monika ma’am on rainy days.

Then 3 years passed just like that. In 9th, when I went to Anil, I met “pudi sabji” (Purnima)—sorry, that’s the name you gave her. She told me about you—that you wanted to come theretoo, but couldn’t. I don’t know if that was true or not. She also said your auto used to come at the same time as mine. I don’t know what that meant, but one day, you came again—I still remember that day, and honestly, I regret not meeting you. I felt awkward and scared toface you… and then my little brother was in the same auto too… but I should’ve met you.

I remember you were looking at me from the auto. Purnima came and said, “She’s calling you,” but you didn’t look back. When I turned around, I saw your black shoes, white socks, a  blue skirt, white shirt, and one ponytail with a white rubber band—but I couldn’t see your face properly.

After that, I stopped taking that auto.

Later, I met Purnima again during class 12th pre-boards. She said you’d asked for mynumber—but you hadn’t. And then you know what happened after that.

I still don’t understand what my mistake was—but yes, there must’ve been one. I’ve always tried to move on, to stay away… I even deactivate Instagram—and it’s still deactivate state. But the more I tried to go away, the closer I felt to you.

I really feel like messaging you sometimes—just to say hello. I’ve done such stupid things— letters, gifts, calls—with as little risk as possible so you wouldn’t have any problems 

But it doesn’t matter… I guess I can’t be anyone’s favourite. How stupid I was—to think I could impress you with all that, to try to win you by talking about you… Foolish. I still can’t figure out why, no matter how much I try, I can’t change how you see me. It doesn’t matter how good you are in everyone else’s eyes… you’ll still look bad in the eyes of the one youlike the most.I don’t know you very well, but I do know this much — I guessed one of your questions from that birthday call. And see, I was trying to impress you again. I’m such an idiot...

You say you don’t get angry—but you do, you just don’t show it easily. You’re very understanding, very kind, cute too. You get angry, but you also explain things calmly.

You really don’t fade from my mind. If there were a single button to delete you, I’d press it— but it’s hard. Hard to stop myself from talking to you, when all I want is to talk to you. Butthen I feel like I might irritate you, so I don’t.

Still, sometimes, it’s really hard to stop myself. Arya knows this—maybe today is one of those days…

Alwaysyours